A-Rod's Shocking Admission: "I'm a Centaur."

  By:  
   Jose Brando   
@RodeoJonez
 

 

 A-Rod performing his daily affirmation exercise.

In a sudden and bold press conference announcement, Alex Rodriguez, third baseman for the New York Yankees and a potential Hall of Fame candidate, astonished the sports world today by admitting he is a centaur. The reigning active home run king proceeded to pull back his trademark number 13 jersey to reveal  lean, muscular horse hind-quarters and a flickering chestnut brown tail for gathered media members today.

A centaur, once thought to be mythical until A-Rod's press conference, is known for its wild and untamed behavior. "So now you know why I've always seemed so tortured and aloof," Rodriguez stated, swatting at flies with his tail. "I was really just confused by my reality of being caught between species in perpetual limbo of occupying dual roles within nature."

Added Rodriguez, "All of that, and also not being able to hit my way out of a nut sack in the playoffs."

A-Rod's teammates seemed as shocked as the public at his admission of being part-equus.

"I've showered with Alex over two-thousand times and never saw anything to indicate he was a horse," said Yankees catcher Jorge Posada. "Now I feel like an moron because I have no idea how he kept all that from the guys in the clubhouse. But to me Alex always seemed like a homo sapiens. A weird homo sapiens."

Superstar shortstop Derek Jeter was less forgiving. "This fucking explains so much. Everyone was always saying he played and ran like a goddamn thoroughbred. Well, I guess now we know how much of a fucking thoroughbred he really is. About fifty-percent."

Yankee Skipper Joe Girardi now faces the unique managing quandary of whether to continue playing his star shortstop, who just happens to not be fully human. "I don't think there's any precedent in the rule books about having a centaur on your team," Girardi said. "Frankly, if that grotesque mash-up of genetics we call A-Rod continues to produce like he always does, I'm almost obligated to keep him in the lineup."

MLB commissioner Bud Selig has not yet released a statement, but unidentified sources close to Selig say that he is "infuriated" with A-Rod's situation. "It's another example of Alex Rodriguez making an ass of himself," said one MLB executive, who wished to remain unidentified. "First the steroid admission, and now we find out he's a centaur. It's a swift kick in the balls to the commissioner and also to baseball's integrity."

The Yankees are currently just 1/2 game back from the Red Sox in the American League East.

 A centaur.